Acting Without the Drama

November 5, 2009.  My son and I go to the gym together every morning at 5.  We generally do about 45 minutes of cardio, then I go back later (after dropping off the kids at school) to lift weights.

I started going with my boy so that we could help each other stay in shape, but it’s become a lot more than that for me.  It’s become a time to stay connected to him.  Both of us have some issues around our body image, although it’s slightly different for each of us.

One of the things I’ve noticed as I work out (and I’ve seen the same thing with my son), is that when I’m feeling connected, my body responds really well.  When I’m not, I get tired more quickly, aches and pains creep in, I have an over-all miserable time.

The other thing that happens is that there are times when one of the kids shows up.  When I’m working out, it’s usually one of the body image kids.  They can get pretty upset about what we’re doing.  For me, the main thing they have to say is that getting into shape may just ruin my marriage.  I’m not sure if you knew that having a good body automatically meant marital trouble, but there you have it.

And when they get stirred up, they start trying to pull kill-switches.  All of the sudden, my knees hurt, my lower back starts twinging, I get a stitch in my side (it’s kind of cute… when one body part aching doesn’t get what they want, they switch around).  Basically, they do anything they can to stop the workout.

My son’s kids are the same.  Last night, he had some reading to do, as well as some math.  He started reading but couldn’t stop.  Then it was too late to start on his math homework, so when I woke him up this morning, he couldn’t come with me.

I missed him.  I find that it’s easier to work harder when he’s there.  I enjoy having his presence beside me.  I also like chatting with him on the way there and the way back.

So tomorrow, I’ll look forward to working out with him again.  Or, if the inner kids show up, I’ll enjoy talking with them and helping them to integrate.

Either way, it sounds like a good morning. 

November 4, 2009. Today a situation came up that felt like a complete reset from the beginning of the year. An opportunity that seems perfect on the surface. Okay, maybe not even on the surface.

Because the oppotunity itself is almost irrelevant. It’s my response to it that’s so telling.

Having the offer made me feel worthwhile. But does my sense of worth really depend on someone wanting to hire me? I’ve been hired before. I’ve left jobs, too. Did my worth change when things didn’t work out? Does my value as a person have anything to do with my external circumstances?

Here’s another (more uncomfortable) truth. The offer made me feel vindicated. This was proof positive that anyone that “questioned my worth” was wrong. Go, me!!

Except that I’m pretty sure that it doesn’t prove anything. It’s just an offer that’s coming at kind of an awkward time that I’m not totally sure is a realistic plan.

So, this time through I would like to do things differently. Walk through the situation more present and conscious. Ask uncomfortable questions when things aren’t completely clear.

Because I think that this is all exactly what needs to be happening right now.

And that’s pretty stinkin’ cool.

November 3, 2009.  Today I had a crystal clear example of just how silly the negative tapes are that play out in our heads.

I watched an adult transform into a confrontational child right before my eyes.  There was no logic to the reasoning that was presented.  There was little to no accountability for hurtful words or actions.  There was a complete disregard for healthy boundaries and guidelines that had been set in place.

And it was beautiful.

A good portion of the reason that it was so great was that I realized how often I do the exact same thing myself.  It helped me to see just how ludicrous it seems from the other side of things.

The other thing that was wonderful about it was that it was so clear how young this person was in that moment.  How young and in pain.  It was very obviously a cry for help.

So many times it doesn’t seem that obvious.  Someone is engaging in hurtful behavior, and rather than choosing to see that they are in pain and have their defenses up, I get offended and put up my own defenses.  Just in case you were wondering, having two people with their defenses up typically doesn’t go well.

Choosing in that moment to be soft and gentle, to show an increase of love towards them so that they know you’re not an enemy, that’s the kind of man I want to be.  Creating a welcoming place for the other party to be able to drop their defenses and let the real them show up.

Also doing the same thing when I’m the one with my hackles raised.  Softening.  Dropping my guard.  Letting myself be… me.

Healthy behavior is so simple.  It does feel pretty difficult to put into practice at time, though.

So, soft and gentle.  That’s the guy I want to be. 

November 2, 2009.  My business partner’s roommate was struggling today.  She had lots of negative voices out and about, pulling kill switches.

And as we talked through it with her, it totally helped us with all of our own stuff.

That’s kind of the way I think it all works.  We don’t really truly connect with others until we’re willing to let go of our own expectations and learn to serve.  The service helps them, but it really helps us more.

There’s still a lot more for me to sort out here, but I just wanted to put that out there tonight.  I think service is something that I’d like to pay a whole lot more attention to.

I’ll let you know where it takes me. 

November 1, 2009.  My in-laws left today.

It was such a wondeful weekend, filled with joyful moments.  It (and their trip to visit) felt way too short.  There were awards ceremonies, preschool costume parades, wins, losses, lions and tigers and bears.  I laughed.  I cried.  It was better than Cats.

Briefly, it was magical.

I’ve discovered more and more how much it means to me to have family in my life.  I mean that in the broadest definition of family I can think of.  A group of people that love each other pretty much no matter what.  No member of that family is perfect, so we all get to learn from each other.  We learn how to be patient.  We learn how to be soft.  We learn how to love unconditionally.

Saying goodbye to family yesterday was painful.  But I’m not sure that it really had to be.  Because it wasn’t goodbye.  It was hasta luego.  “Until later.”

And that’s what I think it always is with family. 

October 31, 2009.  I love Halloween!  I’m not sure how much I love it after we’ve gone around Trick-or-Treating for hours, but I do love it.

This year, our youngest was a pink fairy.  A pink fairy with glitter.  Lots of glitter.

There’s glitter everywhere.  I have glitter on my head, on my face, on my arms.  I’m pretty sure that there will be glitter around for weeks.

I feel like a stripper.

But, man, was her costume a hit.  She pranced around, getting more and more candy, and more often than not remembering to say thank you without prompting.  Okay, with a little bit of prompting.  She was an absolute vision.

She challenged every single scarily dressed person we ran into.  “Are you trying to be scary?  I’m not afraid of you!”  She seems to land squarely on the “fight” side of the whole “fight or flight” thing.

She was a joy to behold.

And then there were the other parts of Halloween.  My middle son going off on his own for the first time to Trick-or-Treat.  My oldest’s first Halloween as part of the adults that make Halloween special for the kids.  Rights of passage for both of them.

Who would’ve thought that a night filled with goblins and ghouls could also be filled with so much joy?

I love Halloween!

Booo!!!

October 30, 2009.  Children are awesome.  They surprise me, they amuse me, they teach me.

Today was my middle son’s birthday.  We decided to get him a scooter for his birthday, and when my wife went to go pick it up yesterday, she had our daughter with her.  She told our girl that the present was a surprise, and that no one could tell him what it was.

As soon as he walked in the door when he came home from school, our daughter yelled, “Scooter!  Scooter!  Scooter!”  Luckily, he’s learned to tune her out over the years, so he didn’t notice.  My wife grabbed the girl and went around the corner.  She told her again that it was a secret.  Our daughter put her hands over her mouth, giggled hysterically and said, “I’m going to tell him!  I have to tell him!”  My wife told her that she couldn’t, that we wanted to keep it a secret.  Our girl said, “I can’t do it!  I have to tell him!”  After further talking, she finally agreed to not say anything.

Yeah, right.

She made it all the way through that night and today.  She made it all the way up to the end of his birthday dinner.  We were minutes away from opening his presents before she blurted out, “Scooter!  Scooter!  Scooter!”

So, it wasn’t much of a surprise for our birthday boy, but it sure is one heck of a funny story.

I love the honesty and impulsiveness of young children.  She loves her older brother.  She knew he would be excited about the scooter.  She really wanted to tell him.

And she told us exactly what she was going to do.

As she grows older, we’ll work with her on her impulse control, but for now, we’ll just sit back and smile or laugh or do constant spit-takes as we see her interacting with the world around her.  Every moment is a revelation.  Every new experience is relished.  Nothing is held back.

And that’s the learning part.

As I get older, I find that I mute my positive feelings way too much.  Actually, I’m not sure that ANY muting is okay.  Pure unadulterated joy doesn’t need a filter, does it?  I guess that I do it because I’m worried about the other shoe dropping.  Or maybe it’s not socially acceptable to really experience joy.  I’m not sure.  What I am sure of is that I find it so endearing in little children, which is probably one of the reasons that I love them so much.

So, that’s what I had to say tonight.  And I just had to tell you!  I just had to!! 

October 29, 2009. My in-laws are in town for the Halloween weekend.

That’s something that, for a lot of married people, spells disaster. Or at least some really uncomfortable times.

Luckily, I was blessed with wonderful in-laws. Having them here is a pleasure for my kids, for my wife and for me.

So, tonight it’s a super-short blog, so that I can spend with them while they’re here. I’ll be back tomorrow with a longer entry…

October 28, 2008.  White carpets.  Three children.  You do the math.

We have a carpet cleaner, because it just seems to make sense to have one on hand.  You know.  Because of the math.

I don’t love cleaning carpets. The detergent is a little smelly and is really harsh when it gets on my hands.  The carpet gets all wet and when I walk back over it it’s all cold and stuff.

Okay, that last one isn’t so much a real complaint.

Here’s what I do love.  I love seeing the carpets as the dirt comes up.  It goes from stained and dirty to clean and fresh.

My life’s landscape starts feeling like the dirty carpets sometimes.  There are so many things from my past that feel like the stains and dirt.  And for the first time, I feel like I have a carpet cleaner.  A way to clean up the old stuff.

Because the old stuff is just moments of disconnect that haven’t had a chance to heal.  And the only way to let them heal is to open up and allow the connection to happen.  I know, I know, but love really is the answer.  It cleans up the carpets.

So, I’m sitting in a room with a clean carpet, and enjoying what is beginning to feel like a clean soul.

Not bad for a Wednesday night.