Acting Without the Drama

November 20, 2009.  My business partner’s moving to Ventura.  I may have mentioned it.  Once or twice. 

I have had some really mixed feelings about all of it, and a day or so ago, they all came out and made a bit of a ruckus.  It was loud and rather unpleasant.

I was going through all of the reasons why I was upset, why I wasn’t sure about the whole thing, why it just wasn’t OK.  And then I had a very still moment of clarity where I remembered what it was like to step into the house in Ventura for the first time.

I felt peace.

Really, all the other stuff falls away into the background when I remember that.

All of the things I’m concerned about could come true.  Okay.  We’ll figure it out.  It just means opportunities to do things differently this time.  And why is that?

Because I felt peace.

I forget it.  I get caught up in the externals of the move, some of which have been physically and emotionally uncomfortable.  But at the end of the day…

Yeah… I felt peace.

And I know what that peace means. 

November 19, 2009.  Today’s blog is really more of a brief word or two of advice.  If you ever decide to create a sound room in your house, do not… I repeat, do NOT use glue to put up the foam.

That is all.

November 18, 2009. Swine flu is such a threatening name. Vaguely dirty. Like you’ve done something terrible with a pig and caught something because of it.

I’m not sure that H1N1 is any better. Now it sounds like some dreadful scientific code that you would need a Rosetta Stone to decipher. Yikes.

And both my wife and my business partner have it.

Now there’s a lot of rational reasons for why they’re both sick. My business partner works in a vet clinic, where she sees tons of people every time she goes in. My wife is always in constant contact with our kids who are in constant contact with tons of other kids. Mystery solved, right?

Except that we’re all going through a time of stress.

My knees feel like they’re right on the verge of giving out. And my lower back is poised and ready, just in case the knees don’t come through.

So, we’re all breaking just a bit.

It’s great information. It just means that maybe we’re not as connected to each other and to God as much as we would like to be.

And we’ll figure it out. We’ll get through this. And it feels like there are wonderful things right around the corner. Heck, some of them are here already.

Swine flu is just one more experience, regardless of how it sounds.

November 17, 2009. I’m moving my business partner out of her house this week.

Turns out I’m not completely okay with it.

I have all kinds of concerns and reasons for why it’s a bad idea. Some of them are even real. The truth is, I’m afraid of people I’m close to moving away. Physically? Maybe. But only because it seems to be a symbol for the emotional.

It’s late and I’m tired, but I wanted to write this down as a reminder to all the parts of me that aren’t sure.

Moving out is not moving away.

November 16, 2009.  There’s a little double meaning here for anyone wanting to know.

Yeah.

Today was not so much fun.  My wife’s sick.  My business partner’s sick.  I’m feeling a bit ill-ish myself.

We have all sorts of work to get finished, and now it looks like there may be a lot less time in which to get it done.

Plus there are all sorts of financial bugaboos coming up right now.  It seems just as we start to get on top of things, something else happens to put us under again.

There’s a whole lot of other stuff up in the air, too.  Fun stuff.  You know, the kind of stuff that could really affect our future.

And guess what?

It’s all happening for a reason.

Because all of these things are just good information.  We’re all getting sick?  That’s probably an indication of the fact that we’re all breaking a bit.  We’re all stressed out and the lack of connection is affecting our health.

There’s work to be done?  What a wondeful thing to be able to work.  So much of the work is repairing unconscious and disconnected choices from before, so it’s just a way to reconnect.

Financial problems?  None of us are as good with money as we’d like to be.  Wonderful chance to learn.

Oh, and the stuff that’s up in the air?  It’s all about learning to really trust God.  I mean REALLY trust.  Not lip service.  Not trusting once things work out.  Trust.

It sounds like maybe all this stuff is actually pretty good.  Not piss poor (no matter what my checking account balance says ).

Now if I can just disinvite this virus before it really kicks in!

November 15, 2009.  My wife taught the four- and five-year-olds in Sunday School today.

My daughter is four.

When she first found out that her mom would be teaching her class, she was very excited.  But then she grew rather concerned.  “Momma, who are you going to be today?  Are you going to be my mom or my teacher?”

When my wife assured her that she would be both her mom and her teacher, she then wanted to know what her name would be.

This is a fun age.  I went in to the class before it started to help my wife set things up, and one of the boys yelled at me, “Hey!  I’m five!  And I know how to wipe my bum!  My dad taught me!”  And, yes, there were exclamation points after every sentence.  That’s the way you talk when you’re five, you know?

But the whole thing about my daughter being confused about her mom and her teacher got me to thinking.

My business partner and I are wearing a lot of hats these days.  There’s all of these different sides of ourselves that sometimes don’t seem to get along well with one another.  My partner has even talked about her director getting upset with her writer, and her producer yelling at everyone.  And don’t get her started on her editor.

This artistic process is much like the emotional journey we’ve embarked upon.  Seeking to integrate all of the disparate and damaged parts of our psyche at times causes the different “camps” to clash.  It’s not pretty.

But, with connection comes clarity and harmony.  The separate artist parts of me come together when I’m connected.  And we all benefit.

And, yes, I am aware of the fact that I sound a bit potty.

And that’s exactly how I like it! 

November 13, 2009.  This morning, my middle son was having a bad day.  He hadn’t finished his homework (I’m pretty sure he was distracted by the new puppy), he hadn’t done his reading for the week (I’m pretty sure he was distracted by the new puppy) and he hadn’t gotten completely ready for school before he had to leave (I’m pretty sure he was distracted by the new puppy).

So what caused all of this angst?

Friday the 13th.

Not the puppy, not his own lack of preparation, not even his penchant for procrastination.

Friday the 13th.

Ah, the power of magical thinking.

I guess it just is easier than facing our own stuff.

I do this all the time.  Rather than looking deep inside and seeing the uncomfortable things that are there, I point at magical, mystical connections to explain it all.

Because really, magical thinking kind of goes directly against the idea that God’s in charge.  If Friday the 13th can screw things up, where is God’s will?

So, for this Friday the 13th (which has turned out beautifully, by the way), I’m choosing God over magical thinking.

I hope that doesn’t end up hexing me. 

November 12, 2009.  My oldest son’s last game was today.  It was the second game in the play-offs.

The first game was against a team that had beaten them twice during the regular season.  It was a real boost to their self-esteem, and they really enjoyed the entire experience.

Today’s game was against a team that has been undefeated the entire season.  Unfortunately, their coach and star player (his son) are not very pleasant.  It makes for a very different kind of game.  It’s one thing to lose.  It’s another to be mocked while losing.

Which is why I’m so proud of my son.  He continued playing right up to the last whistle.  He sacked the quarterback.  He disrupted the offense pretty much every time he was on the defensive line.  He even caught a pass!

I’m also proud of our team.  We lost one of our best players half-way through the game.  I was pretty sure that our guys would fall apart without him, but they continued playing just as hard, just as focused, just as well.

I’m actually kind of glad that he had a not-so-winning season this year.  He has learned how to never give up.  He’s learned how to lose graciously.  He’s learned how to keep from becoming discouraged when he’s behind.

Those aren’t lessons that we get to learn when we’re winning.  That’s something I think I would like to keep in mind in those moments where it feels like nothing’s going the way that I would like for it to.

So, while these moments aren’t so comfortable, they are an important part of becoming the kind of man I want to be.

Now, if I can only keep remembering that! 

November 11, 2009.  My sister-in-law had an interesting experience yesterday.  Okay, maybe “interesting” isn’t the word.  Hysterical.  Yeah.  Hysterical is more like it.

She was walking along the side of the street, minding her own business, when she fell in a hole.

You know those plastic covered holes that are for the water meters out in the front lawn?  Well, apparently, they crack on occasion.  And when they crack and some unsuspecting soul steps just right, that unsuspecting soul can find herself up to her hips in some stranger’s front lawn.

So once she clambered out, she realized that she was missing a shoe.  And instead of looking for it, she hobbled home with one shoe on and one shoe off.

Why did she do this?  I would assume that it was because of embarrassment.  “I don’t want anyone to know that I fell in a hole, so I’m going to pretend it never happened.”

I love my sister-in-law.  There is no one on the planet that can make me laugh more than her.  So please know that I say all of this with the greatest of affection for my poor, uncoordinated in-law.

Because I do the same thing all of the time.

Okay, I’ve never fallen in a water meter hole before, but still…

How many times have I done something, felt shame for it, then made the situation worse because somehow it was more shameful to admit to the original “something.”  Actually, it’s shameful to admit to the shame, too.

And when I go into this shame spiral, it inevitably causes things to spin out of control.  There’s so much damage that I can avoid by simply letting go of shame.

Now, my sister-in-law did end up going back to get her shoe.  And I’m pretty sure that she hasn’t done any permanent damage to her shoeless foot.

What she has done, however, is give me some lovely fodder for my blog.

Thanks, Rola Pooker!  This blog’s for you!