Acting Without the Drama

May 31, 2009.  The end of another month.  It always feels a little bittersweet.  One more month that I’ve made it through while doing what I love.  One more month “lost” that means the death of my career if I fail.

Wow, right?

That didn’t feel epic at all, did it?

It’s interesting.  As time continues to insist on moving inexorably forward, I want two things to happen that are completely opposite.  I want time to stop until I can figure things out and become successfu.  I also want time to skip ahead to the point where I am already successful.

It’s pretty clear to me that neither option is really an option.

The reality is that my life is full of false starts.  Full of stepping into things only to freak out and step back.  Full of blundering forward like a bull in a china shop, then realizing how much damage I’m doing, turning around and blundering back out.

If that image wasn’t clear enough for you, let me state it more directly.  I do as much damage, if not more, while getting out of the situation as I do getting into the situation.

So, what’s the answer?  The first part is fairly clear.  Stop blundering around.  Stop making impulse decisions and then running in the opposite direction the second I encounter the least bit of resistance.  I’m getting better about that.  I’ve stepped in with both feet and feel like I’ve cut off all of my usual escape routes.

The next part of the equation is still not crystal clear to me.  I think that the knee-jerk decisions were knee-jerk because they had to be at that moment.  I’ve made so many mistakes that sometimes it just seems like I should call it quits.  But the mistakes got me to where I am.  And while where I am is not perfect, it’s pretty cool.  I’m doing what I love.  I’m learning to be persistent.  I’m developing stamina.  I’m finishing projects.  All of that is good stuff.

While I’m not proud of the bull-in-a-china-shop behavior in my past, I think it was the best I could do at the time.  I’m sure I’ll look back and feel the same way about what I’m doing right now at some point in the future.

And I’m pretty sure that’s a good thing.  If that weren’t the case, it would mean I wasn’t growing.

Basically, I’m looking back on my toddler years, critiquing my walking skills.  “Boy, I sure didn’t know how to walk very well back then, did I?”  Do I really need to feel embarrassed about how many times I feel down while learning to walk?

And if I’m embarrassed about the toddler years, how am I going to feel looking back at my teenage period?  Youch!

Point being that there doesn’t need to be any shame or embarrassment at all.  I’m learning.  I’m growing.  I’m falling down.  A lot.

I’m also picking myself up.  And moving forward. 

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