Off.

As I mentioned in a previous blog, both my wife and my business partner have been sick this past week with the swine flu. I have been hoping that I wouldn’t get it and up to this point have been successful. Problem is, this week is the big move to Ventura. Getting sick right now would be… awkward.

I’ve been resting as much as I could today, in between all of my church responsibilities, drinking lots of fluid, yada yada yada.

I can also feel a great deal of disconnect right now, which contributes to the feeling of unwellness. Is that a word?

But here’s what I know. We’ll get through this. We’ll figure it out. It’s uncomfortable right now, but this won’t last forever.

My body doesn’t have to break right now, and even if it does, we’ll get through it. Everything’s going to be all right.

Things happen for a reason, and as long as I’m truly seeking to stay connected, this will all be for our good.

Regardless of whether or not I get sick.

It’s been fifteen amazing, brilliant, sometimes painful but never dull years.  I can’t even begin to express how grateful I am to be married to her, to have her in my life, to share our experiences, our children, our love.

And, not to slight anyone reading this, I would like to spend every moment I can with her today! 

I have had some really mixed feelings about all of it, and a day or so ago, they all came out and made a bit of a ruckus.  It was loud and rather unpleasant.

I was going through all of the reasons why I was upset, why I wasn’t sure about the whole thing, why it just wasn’t OK.  And then I had a very still moment of clarity where I remembered what it was like to step into the house in Ventura for the first time.

I felt peace.

Really, all the other stuff falls away into the background when I remember that.

All of the things I’m concerned about could come true.  Okay.  We’ll figure it out.  It just means opportunities to do things differently this time.  And why is that?

Because I felt peace.

I forget it.  I get caught up in the externals of the move, some of which have been physically and emotionally uncomfortable.  But at the end of the day…

Yeah… I felt peace.

And I know what that peace means. 

That is all.

I’m not sure that H1N1 is any better. Now it sounds like some dreadful scientific code that you would need a Rosetta Stone to decipher. Yikes.

And both my wife and my business partner have it.

Now there’s a lot of rational reasons for why they’re both sick. My business partner works in a vet clinic, where she sees tons of people every time she goes in. My wife is always in constant contact with our kids who are in constant contact with tons of other kids. Mystery solved, right?

Except that we’re all going through a time of stress.

My knees feel like they’re right on the verge of giving out. And my lower back is poised and ready, just in case the knees don’t come through.

So, we’re all breaking just a bit.

It’s great information. It just means that maybe we’re not as connected to each other and to God as much as we would like to be.

And we’ll figure it out. We’ll get through this. And it feels like there are wonderful things right around the corner. Heck, some of them are here already.

Swine flu is just one more experience, regardless of how it sounds.

Turns out I’m not completely okay with it.

I have all kinds of concerns and reasons for why it’s a bad idea. Some of them are even real. The truth is, I’m afraid of people I’m close to moving away. Physically? Maybe. But only because it seems to be a symbol for the emotional.

It’s late and I’m tired, but I wanted to write this down as a reminder to all the parts of me that aren’t sure.

Moving out is not moving away.

Yeah.

Today was not so much fun.  My wife’s sick.  My business partner’s sick.  I’m feeling a bit ill-ish myself.

We have all sorts of work to get finished, and now it looks like there may be a lot less time in which to get it done.

Plus there are all sorts of financial bugaboos coming up right now.  It seems just as we start to get on top of things, something else happens to put us under again.

There’s a whole lot of other stuff up in the air, too.  Fun stuff.  You know, the kind of stuff that could really affect our future.

And guess what?

It’s all happening for a reason.

Because all of these things are just good information.  We’re all getting sick?  That’s probably an indication of the fact that we’re all breaking a bit.  We’re all stressed out and the lack of connection is affecting our health.

There’s work to be done?  What a wondeful thing to be able to work.  So much of the work is repairing unconscious and disconnected choices from before, so it’s just a way to reconnect.

Financial problems?  None of us are as good with money as we’d like to be.  Wonderful chance to learn.

Oh, and the stuff that’s up in the air?  It’s all about learning to really trust God.  I mean REALLY trust.  Not lip service.  Not trusting once things work out.  Trust.

It sounds like maybe all this stuff is actually pretty good.  Not piss poor (no matter what my checking account balance says ).

Now if I can just disinvite this virus before it really kicks in!

My daughter is four.

When she first found out that her mom would be teaching her class, she was very excited.  But then she grew rather concerned.  “Momma, who are you going to be today?  Are you going to be my mom or my teacher?”

When my wife assured her that she would be both her mom and her teacher, she then wanted to know what her name would be.

This is a fun age.  I went in to the class before it started to help my wife set things up, and one of the boys yelled at me, “Hey!  I’m five!  And I know how to wipe my bum!  My dad taught me!”  And, yes, there were exclamation points after every sentence.  That’s the way you talk when you’re five, you know?

But the whole thing about my daughter being confused about her mom and her teacher got me to thinking.

My business partner and I are wearing a lot of hats these days.  There’s all of these different sides of ourselves that sometimes don’t seem to get along well with one another.  My partner has even talked about her director getting upset with her writer, and her producer yelling at everyone.  And don’t get her started on her editor.

This artistic process is much like the emotional journey we’ve embarked upon.  Seeking to integrate all of the disparate and damaged parts of our psyche at times causes the different “camps” to clash.  It’s not pretty.

But, with connection comes clarity and harmony.  The separate artist parts of me come together when I’m connected.  And we all benefit.

And, yes, I am aware of the fact that I sound a bit potty.

And that’s exactly how I like it! 

So what caused all of this angst?

Friday the 13th.

Not the puppy, not his own lack of preparation, not even his penchant for procrastination.

Friday the 13th.

Ah, the power of magical thinking.

I guess it just is easier than facing our own stuff.

I do this all the time.  Rather than looking deep inside and seeing the uncomfortable things that are there, I point at magical, mystical connections to explain it all.

Because really, magical thinking kind of goes directly against the idea that God’s in charge.  If Friday the 13th can screw things up, where is God’s will?

So, for this Friday the 13th (which has turned out beautifully, by the way), I’m choosing God over magical thinking.

I hope that doesn’t end up hexing me. 

The first game was against a team that had beaten them twice during the regular season.  It was a real boost to their self-esteem, and they really enjoyed the entire experience.

Today’s game was against a team that has been undefeated the entire season.  Unfortunately, their coach and star player (his son) are not very pleasant.  It makes for a very different kind of game.  It’s one thing to lose.  It’s another to be mocked while losing.

Which is why I’m so proud of my son.  He continued playing right up to the last whistle.  He sacked the quarterback.  He disrupted the offense pretty much every time he was on the defensive line.  He even caught a pass!

I’m also proud of our team.  We lost one of our best players half-way through the game.  I was pretty sure that our guys would fall apart without him, but they continued playing just as hard, just as focused, just as well.

I’m actually kind of glad that he had a not-so-winning season this year.  He has learned how to never give up.  He’s learned how to lose graciously.  He’s learned how to keep from becoming discouraged when he’s behind.

Those aren’t lessons that we get to learn when we’re winning.  That’s something I think I would like to keep in mind in those moments where it feels like nothing’s going the way that I would like for it to.

So, while these moments aren’t so comfortable, they are an important part of becoming the kind of man I want to be.

Now, if I can only keep remembering that! 

She was walking along the side of the street, minding her own business, when she fell in a hole.

You know those plastic covered holes that are for the water meters out in the front lawn?  Well, apparently, they crack on occasion.  And when they crack and some unsuspecting soul steps just right, that unsuspecting soul can find herself up to her hips in some stranger’s front lawn.

So once she clambered out, she realized that she was missing a shoe.  And instead of looking for it, she hobbled home with one shoe on and one shoe off.

Why did she do this?  I would assume that it was because of embarrassment.  “I don’t want anyone to know that I fell in a hole, so I’m going to pretend it never happened.”

I love my sister-in-law.  There is no one on the planet that can make me laugh more than her.  So please know that I say all of this with the greatest of affection for my poor, uncoordinated in-law.

Because I do the same thing all of the time.

Okay, I’ve never fallen in a water meter hole before, but still…

How many times have I done something, felt shame for it, then made the situation worse because somehow it was more shameful to admit to the original “something.”  Actually, it’s shameful to admit to the shame, too.

And when I go into this shame spiral, it inevitably causes things to spin out of control.  There’s so much damage that I can avoid by simply letting go of shame.

Now, my sister-in-law did end up going back to get her shoe.  And I’m pretty sure that she hasn’t done any permanent damage to her shoeless foot.

What she has done, however, is give me some lovely fodder for my blog.

Thanks, Rola Pooker!  This blog’s for you! 

It is between our little girl and our middle boy.  They are both madly in love with our new puppy.

Now it’s the middle child who is mainly responsible for the puppy.  He’s always wanted a dog.  He’s begged for years for us to get one.  He’s the one that agreed to scoop the poop.

So, for him, this process is about learning responsibility and how not to lose his temper with his younger sister.

For her, this process is about not getting what she wants immediately.

See, the little girl is pretty stinkin’ cute and she kind of knows it.  And while we don’t give her everything she wants everytime she wants it, a lot of other people she interacts with do.  Okay, and we do too, sometimes.

But this time, it’s just not going to happen.  This is her brother’s dog.  Everyone gets to play with him and love him, but not everyone gets to train and walk him on a regular basis.  And that’s exactly what she wants to do.  Every single moment of the day.

Good times in the Hopkin household.

Although there have been many meltdowns so far, and I’m sure there will be many more, this is a wonderful process for all of us.

And puppy?  He’s getting more attention than he knows what to do with.  For possibly the first time in his life, he’s spending a good portion of his days wiped out from all the playing.

Yeah, this is good for everyone involved! 

There’s a couple of reasons why that’s significant.  One is that I have a tough time forming friendships with men.  The other is that I have a tough time organizing get togethers with people that I’m not already really close with.

Last night I went a fair ways towards doing both.

I also ate a ton of sushi.  And I’m not really exaggerating too much with the “ton” statement.

I love sushi.  I love all-you-can-eat.

What I didn’t realize I would love was the friendship and good times with the guys.

I have to admit, I used to feel sorry for guys that were always hanging out with other guys.  Leaving their girlfriends, fiances and wives at home alone while they went out to grab beers with their friends.  Truth to be told, I still probably do, but at least now I’m beginning to understand the appeal.

We ate way too much food.  We talked about stupid and crazy things we did when we were younger.  We had fun.

I would say, all in all, it was a pretty good night. 

This time, it looked like we were going to win.  Right up until there was a minute and 53 seconds left on the clock.

We even got the ball back down the field into scoring range.  There were a couple of plays where it really looked like we might pull it off.

But we didn’t.

I was concerned that my son might be heartbroken.  But after a very short period of, “Wow, that stunk,” he was fine.  He realized that the way that his team played had improved so immensely that there was no need to feel bad about how it had gone.

Ah, the lessons we learn from our kids.

Last night, the solid deal that we have been waiting on the check for looked like it might fall apart.  Okay, so “fall apart” may be a tad melodramatic.  Delayed is more like it.  The deal may have to be renegociated, which could take several months.

But if I truly trust, my reaction wouldn’t have been as bleak as it was last night (I kind of lost my mind for a bit).  Things will work out.  Everything will be okay.

Just like it was for my son, this doesn’t have to be a heartbreaking loss.  It can just be a realization that we keep improving and getting closer and closer.

I think the only time anything has to be heartbreaking is when I’m hardening my heart.

And that’s just not the kind of man I want to be. 

He’s intended to be my middle son’s pet for the most part, and my son’s thrilled.  He immediately fell in love with this little one.

So, this weekend is all about incorporating in a new member of the family.  We’ve puppy-proofed my boy’s room (well, mostly), we’re making sure that we keep the coyotes away (I hear elephant urine does the trick), and my son’s worked out a way for the puppy to climb up into his bed.

The whole family’s pretty excited.  Well, the girl’s a tad perturbed that it’s not her dog.  Okay, maybe more than a tad.

Looks like maybe we’ll have to be a two-dog family. 

I started going with my boy so that we could help each other stay in shape, but it’s become a lot more than that for me.  It’s become a time to stay connected to him.  Both of us have some issues around our body image, although it’s slightly different for each of us.

One of the things I’ve noticed as I work out (and I’ve seen the same thing with my son), is that when I’m feeling connected, my body responds really well.  When I’m not, I get tired more quickly, aches and pains creep in, I have an over-all miserable time.

The other thing that happens is that there are times when one of the kids shows up.  When I’m working out, it’s usually one of the body image kids.  They can get pretty upset about what we’re doing.  For me, the main thing they have to say is that getting into shape may just ruin my marriage.  I’m not sure if you knew that having a good body automatically meant marital trouble, but there you have it.

And when they get stirred up, they start trying to pull kill-switches.  All of the sudden, my knees hurt, my lower back starts twinging, I get a stitch in my side (it’s kind of cute… when one body part aching doesn’t get what they want, they switch around).  Basically, they do anything they can to stop the workout.

My son’s kids are the same.  Last night, he had some reading to do, as well as some math.  He started reading but couldn’t stop.  Then it was too late to start on his math homework, so when I woke him up this morning, he couldn’t come with me.

I missed him.  I find that it’s easier to work harder when he’s there.  I enjoy having his presence beside me.  I also like chatting with him on the way there and the way back.

So tomorrow, I’ll look forward to working out with him again.  Or, if the inner kids show up, I’ll enjoy talking with them and helping them to integrate.

Either way, it sounds like a good morning. 

Because the oppotunity itself is almost irrelevant. It’s my response to it that’s so telling.

Having the offer made me feel worthwhile. But does my sense of worth really depend on someone wanting to hire me? I’ve been hired before. I’ve left jobs, too. Did my worth change when things didn’t work out? Does my value as a person have anything to do with my external circumstances?

Here’s another (more uncomfortable) truth. The offer made me feel vindicated. This was proof positive that anyone that “questioned my worth” was wrong. Go, me!!

Except that I’m pretty sure that it doesn’t prove anything. It’s just an offer that’s coming at kind of an awkward time that I’m not totally sure is a realistic plan.

So, this time through I would like to do things differently. Walk through the situation more present and conscious. Ask uncomfortable questions when things aren’t completely clear.

Because I think that this is all exactly what needs to be happening right now.

And that’s pretty stinkin’ cool.

I watched an adult transform into a confrontational child right before my eyes.  There was no logic to the reasoning that was presented.  There was little to no accountability for hurtful words or actions.  There was a complete disregard for healthy boundaries and guidelines that had been set in place.

And it was beautiful.

A good portion of the reason that it was so great was that I realized how often I do the exact same thing myself.  It helped me to see just how ludicrous it seems from the other side of things.

The other thing that was wonderful about it was that it was so clear how young this person was in that moment.  How young and in pain.  It was very obviously a cry for help.

So many times it doesn’t seem that obvious.  Someone is engaging in hurtful behavior, and rather than choosing to see that they are in pain and have their defenses up, I get offended and put up my own defenses.  Just in case you were wondering, having two people with their defenses up typically doesn’t go well.

Choosing in that moment to be soft and gentle, to show an increase of love towards them so that they know you’re not an enemy, that’s the kind of man I want to be.  Creating a welcoming place for the other party to be able to drop their defenses and let the real them show up.

Also doing the same thing when I’m the one with my hackles raised.  Softening.  Dropping my guard.  Letting myself be… me.

Healthy behavior is so simple.  It does feel pretty difficult to put into practice at time, though.

So, soft and gentle.  That’s the guy I want to be. 

And as we talked through it with her, it totally helped us with all of our own stuff.

That’s kind of the way I think it all works.  We don’t really truly connect with others until we’re willing to let go of our own expectations and learn to serve.  The service helps them, but it really helps us more.

There’s still a lot more for me to sort out here, but I just wanted to put that out there tonight.  I think service is something that I’d like to pay a whole lot more attention to.

I’ll let you know where it takes me. 

It was such a wondeful weekend, filled with joyful moments.  It (and their trip to visit) felt way too short.  There were awards ceremonies, preschool costume parades, wins, losses, lions and tigers and bears.  I laughed.  I cried.  It was better than Cats.

Briefly, it was magical.

I’ve discovered more and more how much it means to me to have family in my life.  I mean that in the broadest definition of family I can think of.  A group of people that love each other pretty much no matter what.  No member of that family is perfect, so we all get to learn from each other.  We learn how to be patient.  We learn how to be soft.  We learn how to love unconditionally.

Saying goodbye to family yesterday was painful.  But I’m not sure that it really had to be.  Because it wasn’t goodbye.  It was hasta luego.  “Until later.”

And that’s what I think it always is with family.