Sometimes the marks that I find are ones that I put there (usually to cover up another, bigger blotch). Sometimes they are ones that were given to me a long time ago. The interesting thing is that it doesn’t really matter. The process is the same for both. I find the stain, then I clean it up.

It does sometimes feel like it’s easier for me to discover the stuff that I put there, but it’s more uncomfortable for me to look at. The stuff that was given to me is much harder to put my finger on, but I usually don’t feel a lot of shame when I finally uncover it. In other words, they’re co-equal.

Every time I find myself getting upset for no reason (or actually, a crazy reason), it means that I’m circling in on a behavior or thought pattern that I haven’t wanted to take a look at. Each time I stay soft and open so that I can discover what’s really going on, I’m able to connect more fully to those around me. My wife. My kids. My business partner.

This process is not always comfortable, but I really do love it. And I certainly love the results!

I love SYTYCD.

The show was back in rare form for me. I will admit, when I saw Mia Michaels in a judge’s chair, I was dissapointed.

That changed really fast.

There was so much amazing dancing going on, right from the opening dance.

To be fair, once more the dancers were largely dancing in their styles. Napoleon and Tabitha were choeographing again, along with Sonya.

Man I love this show!

My life is not an epic movie.  In order to have an epic movie, there needs to be a noble hero.

Maybe you haven’t noticed (very kind of you, by the way), but I’m a dork.

Noble heroes are typically not dorks.

The events of my life right now are not some far-reaching, yet intimately personal battle for the fate of my immortal soul.  Rather, they are wonderful opportunities for me to grow and stretch.

If I chose to make things epic, I am basically chosing not to grow and stretch.  Because the noble hero is noble and heroic, right?  I’m not sure where I came up with that, but it seems right.  And where do you go from noble and heroic?  More noble and more heroic?

Also, if I am making things epic, I’m basically fighting against the opportunities the universe is giving me.  I’m spitting in God’s eye.  A good friend told me that.  I’m pretty sure she’s right.

I don’t want to do that.  I want to be grateful for every opportunity given to me.  Even the really uncomfortable ones.  Especially the really uncomfortable ones.

There also doesn’t seem to be a lot of gratitude in epic sagas.  A lot of angst, certainly.  Lots of falling on one’s sword.  Very little gratitude.

And that’s just not right, now, is it?

My momma taught me better than that. 

Maybe that’s why the good stuff dissapears so often.

The universe typically gives us what we ask for.  When we ask for the good stuff to go away, it generally does.

I would like to not do that any longer.

So, here’s what I propose.  I’m thinking that we can all take the opportunity to simply be grateful for the good things that happen.  I am grateful today that the head of marketing for a huge studio thinks I have an amazing movie trailer voice.  I am grateful that our production company has an imdb page.  I’m grateful that industry professionals are looking at our work.

I’m also grateful that I have an amazing wife, amazing kids, an amazing business partner.

I have an amazing life.

And I’m grateful.  The freak outs don’t have to happen.  The na, na, na’s can stop.  The voices that are sure that we don’t deserve this can quiet down and know that everything’s going to be all right.

Because they’re right.  We don’t deserve this.

We’ve earned it.

And those are two very different things. 

And it’s all good stuff.

Our production company is in high gear getting things ready for a convention that’s coming up in late July.  It’s a big deal.  I should be making some additional comments/announcements about it here within the next few days.  But, in order to be completely prepared, my partner and I are working overtime to get things done.

Also, I reconnected with an old friend and her family that we knew from Michigan.  It was wonderful to catch up on what we’ve been doing for the last 20 years or so.  This friend is also in the entertainment industry, so I was able to share with her all the things that we’re working on right now.

Additionally, one of the guys that I used to dj with just got married and pulled me out of retirement to run his wedding reception down in San Diego on Friday.  Speaking of marriages, a good friend of ours who lives in Kentucky let us know about two weeks ago that he was getting married as well.  Since she has family in LA, they had the ceremony and reception here.  That was yesterday.  I helped out with the sound equipment for that event also.  Right after I left that reception, I headed out to a 40th birthday party for my best friend from grad school.   I didn’t get home until the wee hours of the morning.

Oh, and I just got back from the first meeting for a summer theatre camp in which I will be teaching.  It’s run by a great guy who is one of the best actors I’ve had the pleasure of working with, along with his business partner.

Everything that I just wrote is basically an extended apology for the fact that I haven’t written anything in a couple of days.

It’s also, more importantly, an acknowledgement of the fact that my life is filled up to bursting with really good things right now.

I live a beautiful and blessed life, and I want to thank all of those wonderful people in my life that are such an integral part of it.

I love you all!

I was having the same reaction to the episode this week as I was last week, which is that it just didn’t live up to the first week of dancing with the top 20.  In discussing it with my friends, we realized why.  The first week, pretty much everyone was dancing in their style.  Plus, the choreographers were pretty much the top ones that they use.  Since then, it’s been much more of a mixed bag, both for the routines and for matching the dancers to their styles.

I do have to give it up to the dancers that manage to step outside their comfort zones.  Kayla, Brandon, Caitlyn (or is it Caitlin?), Phillip (at least with the Broadway routine.  Yeah, Nigel, I have no idea what the *&%&^%& you’re talking about)…all have shown amazing facility with styles wildly different from their own.

Thursdays are now becoming real nail-biters for me.  There are so few dancers that I want to go home.

Luckily, I wasn’t too sad to see the two leave that were voted off tonight.

Some of the highlights for me from last night were the Mia Michaels routine that Evan and Randi danced.  Wow.  That was my fave.  I was impressed by Brandon’s hip-hop, even though the routine wasn’t my fave.  The rhumba and the waltz were also pretty spectacular.

I was also very fond of the Broadway routine.  I know I said it earlier, but I’ll say it again.  I thought Phillip did a great job with it.  I felt like he really threw himself into it, risking life and limb.  I know I’m not a trained professional dancer, but I have no idea what Nigel was thinking.  Actually, come to think of it, I didn’t know what he was talking about tonight when he was calling Jason’s solo desparate.  What???  I think he may be smoking something medicinal.

Speaking of the solos…Caitlyn was amazing.  I love to watch her dance.  I was surprised by Carla’s.  It was much better than I thought.  Pretty much everyone else fell about where I thought they would.  When my friends and I watched the show, we all picked the routines we thought were in danger, and we were right all the way down the line, even though I was unhappy about Jason and Caitlyn being there.

Looking back at this entry, it’s pretty much a mess.  The one thing that you can definitely get out of it is how much I love SYTYCD.  And the reason why is simple.  It is watching art in action.  Every week, I get to participate in the physical manifestation of artists’ passion - the choreographers, the dancers, even the songwriters that create the music that’s danced to.  I ask you.  Is there anything better?

It’s late.  I’m tired.  I’m barely coherent.  I’m waxing poetic about reality television.

Bed is probably a good idea right now. 

Life continues to surprise me with its sharp pangs and gentle mercies.

I started the day with the news that one of my former students had been accepted to one of the best drama schools in the UK.  He was a student that, in addition to being talented, was dedicated.  He worked hard, listened attentively and pushed himself to go beyond his comfort zone.  I was thrilled to hear of his success.

I ended the day with the knowledge that another of my previous students had passed away after a long struggle against Cystic Fibrosis.  She had been on the donor list for a new pair of lungs, but the donor that was found ended up, after the autopsy, having cancer cells in a different part of the body.  Before another donor could be found, my student succumbed to her long fight.

She was one of those rare students that was as gracious and pleasant as she was dedicated.  If there were ever anyone that deserved to be absent from time to time, it was she, and yet I believe she was one of my only students to have perfect attendance.  I never knew her to complain even a little bit.  She attacked her work with relish and fearlessness.  She was a joy to teach.  She was an even greater joy to know.

I’ve never had a student pass away before.  I’ve seen others get quite sick.  I’ve known others to go through major operations.  I’ve vicariously experienced a hundred pains and travails of those whom I mentor, some of which have been quite real, others of which were mostly illusory.  I was completely unprepared for the impact that this beautiful soul’s departure had on me.

I don’t wish to dwell on this event for too long in this entry.  I simply want to honor her and express my love for her.  I find peace in believing that we will see each other again and also sadness in knowing that I will miss her until then.

I also want to acknowledge how much I have learned from her example.  She was the anti-victim.  She lived her live without bitterness or angst.  Her trials and tribulations put mine to shame, and yet I have handled my own with far less grace.  There really is no excuse for my whining.  There is very little reason for my frustrations.  She demonstrated to me, in a thousand little daily choices, how to decide to live a joyful life.

And I will be forever grateful.

And here we are again.

Except that it’s completely different.

Last year, we were hoping to get funding for our company.  There was a firm in London that was looking for an American business (probably with the intent of acquiring the company in the long run), and the numbers were large.  Quite large.

This year, we’ve worked hard, using all the contacts we have, putting packages together for books, television projects and feature films.  Some of those projects are getting closer.  One of them looks to be almost done.

Oh, the other major difference is that there’s not really any waiting.  Before it was always, “Well, when the money comes in.”  It became almost a mantra.  When the money comes in.  When the money comes in.  When the ??!!***&(@#$))!!! money comes in.

Sure, we want things to progress quickly this year.  But not too quickly.  We have a lot to do.  I mean A LOT!

So, while things feel very similar to last year, there is a textural difference this time around.  Whether that means financial successes remains to be seen, but the emotional successes are, for me, quite clear.

I’m so very happy to be where I am right now.

No, my mom doesn’t have a problem with Father’s Day.  Her issue is with Mother’s Day, but it’s essentially the same thing.  It’s a feeling of inadequacy.  I’m being celebrated for my role as a dad, but I don’t feel like I’m a very good one.

But even as I say it, I know there’s crazy in there.  I’m not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination.  I am overly impatient with my kids.  I sometimes am not willing to do that extra mile to really make sure that they feel safe and loved.  I drive them too much.

But anyone that knows me well at all knows how much my kids mean to me.  It doesn’t take much time talking to me for me to start in with stories of my little ones.  I am so proud of them.  Each of them has such a beautifully unique soul, and each of them touches my heart in a slightly different way.  Sometimes when I check in on them before I go to bed, my love for them is so overwhelming that I almost can’t breathe.

I watched my mom agonize over Mother’s Day for years.  Maybe I thought that the way she was acting was the only way to act.  It certainly didn’t make any sense to me.  My mom is an awesome mom.  She’s not perfect, but she raised five boys who have all grown up to be kind, loving, respectful men.  My brothers (as far as I can see) are all good husbands, which means that we were all taught to respect and love women and the strength that they bring.  We don’t do it perfectly, but I can see the care that my brothers exercise with their wives and it mirrors my own.

I like the way my dad handles the day.  He enjoys it.  He doesn’t seem to bask in it, but he doesn’t reject it, either.  When someone honors him, he takes it with good grace, then seeks to give the same honors to the other fathers around him.  He seems to see it as a day for men to enjoy being appreciated for showing up and loving the precious souls with whom we’ve been entrusted, while trying not to pass along too many of our issues.

Which, at the end of the day, is kind of what being a dad is all about.

Some of my favorites struggled.  Actually, most of them struggled.

Every single one of my favorite dancers was in the bottom three during the results show, even though one of the pairs REALLY shouldn’t have been there.  For any of you watchers out there, it was Max and Kayla.  WHAAAAAT???  That routine was brilliant!!

Anyway, I knew, even before the results show, that some of my favorites were going to be in trouble.  I was just a little bit psychic in that moment.

As it turns out, I’m actually sort of ok about how it turned out.  I didn’t want Ashley to go home.  I thought she had a lot more to give in the competition.  I wanted Max to stay, but wasn’t nearly as attached to him as I was to some of the other male dancers.

And, in the end, it has created a partnership that I am so excited to see in action.  Kayla and Kupono?  Wow.  That’s either going to be unbelievably amazing, or it will be a total train wreck.  I’m thinking the former is by far the most likely, but we’ll see…

Just a little side note to relate this to our lives as artists (you know how I do).  Things that are disappointing, even devastating, can yield some amazing results.  Those that have followed the progress of my business partner and my progress in building our production company have some idea of the catastrophic events that occurred about 10 months ago.  We weren’t sure we would ever recover.  I’m not sure that friends and family, looking in on the situation, thought that we would recover.  But we did.

Many of the positive things that have happened since then would never have come to pass if it weren’t for those painful experiences.  We’ve learned so much and hope to continue to do so.  Difficult (even “catastrophic”) events can work to our benefit if we stay connected.

I can’t wait for next Wednesday’s show! 

I know, right?  I didn’t think I’d ever say it either.

It’s not a complete shock, though.  After such an amazing beginning, there was bound to be a little dip at some point, and that point is usually the second performance in.  It’s called the sophomore slump for a reason.

Also, I’m not sure that my physical slump that I’m going through didn’t have something to do with my reaction.  Because looking back at the performances, there were some that really moved me.  The waltz was beautiful.  There was a great contemporary routine.  The disco routine was mind-bogglingly fast.  Some of the dancers that really fell short last week stepped it up this week.

But overall, it just didn’t do what I wanted it to do tonight.

I wanted to be transported, and I really wasn’t too much.

Having these experiences isn’t a bad thing.  There was some good dancing tonight, obviously.  The fact that I wasn’t moved as much as I wanted to be just means that when the earth-shattering routines come along, they will stand out all that much more.

I think if they were all stunning, my head might explode.

So while I could’ve wished for a more memorable night, I’ll take it.

And then look for more next week! 

I think I’ve got it.

Poop.

For me, sickness can be an external indicator of internal uproar.  The worse the sickness, the worse the disconnect, usually.  It doesn’t always work that way, but it’s certainly a pretty big red flag for me to take a look at what’s got me upset.

So, actually, having the sniffles is kind of okay.  It’s a chance to take a look inside and see if there’s anything there without getting laid completely out.  That certainly sounds a lot better than getting knocked flat.

There certainly is a lot of stuff going on, any one of which could be the stimulus that I’m reacting to.  Good stuff, mostly.  But in the past, even the good stuff (maybe even especially the good stuff) could’ve sent me into a total tailspin.

I’m not sure exactly what’s going on inside right now, but I’m glad for the small indicator light that blinks on to let me know to check my emotional engine.

Guess it’s time to look under the hood… 

And on Friday, I just didn’t.

I didn’t do too badly.  I didn’t throw a hissy fit.  I didn’t throw myself on the ground in hysterics.  I didn’t bite (much).

I also wasn’t very pleasant to be around.

My partner was working on something important with her best friend, who just happens to be a best-selling author.  She needed my help with the voice-over part of it.  She asked for that help.

All sounds great, right?  It should’ve been.  And yet that’s where it all went horribly wrong.

At this point, let me pause to point out that nothing went horribly wrong.  It was a slightly uncomfortable afternoon in which I didn’t give quite the performance I would’ve liked after reading the script for about 30 seconds.  That’s the reality.

In my head, what it looked like was more like the Apocalypse.  I wasn’t getting anything right.  It kept getting worse, rather than better.  My partner was counting on me, and I wasn’t coming through for her.

And how dare she, by the way?  Didn’t she know she was asking the impossible of me?  After such a short prep period, It needed to be faster (much faster) but keep all of its artistic integrity.

Clearly, she had gone insane.

After some time of me getting more and more frustrated, she stopped and talked to me.  She very wisely said that something was weird, and did I want to take a break.  We talked about it and discovered all sorts of stuff that was there under the surface.  All good stuff that I’m sure we would’ve wanted to talk about if we hadn’t been disconnected from one another.

This kind of stuff happens all the time.  Any time I’m upset, it’s because there’s something there under the surface that I’m not wanting to take a look at closely.  Much easier to get torqued off at some external person, place or thing than it is to look at my issues honestly.

I’m grateful for a partner that’s sentitive enough to pick up on that stuff.  I’m grateful that our friendship is strong enough for us to have uncomfortable conversations without worrying about a rift.  I’m grateful that I’ve mostly learned not to lash out in the moments that I’ve lost my mind.

Most of all, I’m grateful for the wonderful sense of connection that comes from working out the crazy. 

Exciting, right?

There’s also a chance that it could air on Spike TV, which means that there’s all of this legal documentation that we have to get to them.  A lot of very specific forms that need to be filled out.  Very specific guidelines that we need to follow with formatting for the final version of the piece that will screen.  Detail stuff.

Normally, it’s right around this time that I get fed up.  But not this time.  Right from the beginning, I really just had the thought that this was preparing us for what we need to deliver to distributors or to networks.  This is the professional stuff.

Don’t get me wrong.  I took my first look at all the paperwork and practically hyperventilated.  But then I took a second to breathe, settled in, and looked more closely.  We already had most of the stuff we needed.  The stuff we didn’t have, we can get.

I’m not going through this process perfectly, but I am going through it.  There was never even a question about that.  In the past, I probably would’ve gotten angry that I was being asked to do stuff that was clearly beyond my capabilities as “just an actor.”  That is no longer my thought process.

Good information to have!

All is right with the world!

It’s funny.  You all know by this point how much I love the show and how involved I get with it.  And there were times during Vegas week that I wanted to scream at the television (actually, I’m not sure that I completely refrained).  Then, when everything works out the way that I think it’s supposed to, I realize that it lacks a certain drama.

Great.

Maybe the producers were right all along.  They got rid of some early favorites so that we would be totally sucked into the drama of the whole situation.

One way or the other, I’m really grateful that there’s a show like SYTYCD out there.

Last night, my boys were allowed to stay up an hour late to watch the first hour of the show.  Today they finished watching the second half.  And the middle child, the total boys’ boy, snuggled in next to my wife and asked her if there were any way that we could see the dancers live.

When I was young, my dad didn’t want me involved in dance.  I’m not sure exactly what his reasons were, especially considering the fact that he’s in the performing arts himself.  I always regretted the fact that I never learned to dance.

But if my kids want to, I’m going to do all in my power to help make it happen.

I think it would be thrilling for any of them to attempt it…and if they do, SYTYCD will have been a big part of it!

Wow.

Wow.

I’m not sure that I want to say much more than that.  So You Think You Can Dance (hereafter known as SYTYCD) just keeps getting better every season.

From the first dance that touched my heart to the last one that went a little further South, I was mesmerized.  I was enthralled.  I was moved.

I can’t wait to see what’s next.

Wow.

There’s some history around this particular short that we’re working on right now.  During the first edit (which I wasn’t involved in) there were some pretty major creative differences between my partner and the editor.  I also wasn’t nearly as emotionally (or physically) present for the whole thing.

So, there was some energy around the whole thing.

We went into things today by talking through some of the trouble spots.  And there were quite a few.  We also navigated them pretty well.  There was no fighting.  There wasn’t even any feel of being on opposite sides of the table.  Just navigating through some emotionally tricky territory.

And then we went in to edit.

And it was AWESOME!  I’m a newer editor than she is by quite a bit, so she was able to show me some stuff that helps when working on action sequences.  It was a blast!  We thoroughly enjoyed it.

All of the discomfort from before, worrying about all the potential emotional pitfalls, was all pretty much wasted effort.  Not the discussing and the processing…that, I think, was what made things so joyful in the editing bay.  But all the angst?  I think we can definitely do without that in the future.

I just need to keep reminding myself of that! 

There was some energy around the subject for both me and my partner, so the doom and gloom didn’t seem completely out of place, but even as I called it seemed overblown.

Some of the bad stuff had to do with my experiences at my last job. There were so many occasions when I would ask for time off to visit family, and the reaction was like I had betrayed the company, or worse yet, the owner of the company.

But my business partner is not that guy. She’s not even close.

Then it hit me. We are waiting for a lot of news this week, and more specifically, today. That was where the “bigness” of the feelings was coming from. All of the other stuff was true, yes, but the fear that everything would fall apart today was the real match to all the old kindling.

So, let’s talk about that for a second. If the universe really knows what it’s doing (and it’s absolutely my belief that it does), then if things “fall apart” today, that’s part of the plan. Actually, for every piece of bad news that we could get today, we have a very solid plan b already mapped out. In some cases, the plan b actually seems like it might be better than the plan a.

Even in this, my freak out energy is unwarranted. It’s old stuff. It’s the magical thinking that says that everything has to work out perfectly, and then if it doesn’t, it’s obviously a sign that we shouldn’t be doing this.

Yeah, I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of that ride.

So, what I’d like to do today is to simply stay centered and connected. Whatever happens is what happens, and we’ll deal with it as it comes. I know I won’t be perfectly centered and connected…that ship has already sailed. But since when are we supposed to do things perfectly, right?

I’ll keep you updated as things happen!